I'm finally in China! . After being in India I was expecting Beijing to be similar to Delhi - this dual reality, poverty and wealth living side by side - but I feel like what I've found instead is an extremely modern, beautiful, and clean city. It was somewhat shocking and disappointing because I guess my western-oriented mind thought that I would be entering some shady third-world country where all the milk is contaminated! But my first encounter in China has been a huge shaming experience because it made me realize how ignorant I am when it comes to the world that lies beyond the United States.
My second shaming experience came when I met my language partner, who goes by the English name Laura. Supposedly our relationship is a mutual exchange of knowledge. I'm suppose to help her with her English and she's suppose to help me with my Chinese. The only thing is that Laura's English is awesome and we always, always, always end up talking in English. What I learned from Laura, however, doesn't have to do much with my Chinese anyways. I think that spending time with her reminds me about how much privilege I have. Going to school at Beida through the Stanford Program means that I get a weekly allowance of 400rmb, a food allowance of 500rmb per week, classes all taught in English that I didn't need to test into (all the Beida students in my class had to pass two tests in order to be considered for the Stanford courses), accommodations in the nicest hotel/dorm on campus (my language partner lives in a room about the size of the living room in my apartment with three other girls), and people who keeping treating me like I'm hot shit. Of course, it feels nice and it feeds my ego, but I think I'm starting to get really uncomfortable with it all. Most of all I feel like all this privilege and pampering is starting to make me consume more. I just bought two sweaters for myself and a huge Prada bag for my sister. The justification: it was cheap. What's worse is that something I've been working really hard on is limiting my desires. It was easier in India and when I was at home because I could remove myself from the physical things that I desired, but I've been finding it harder in China. I can buy things everywhere and at any hour of the day. It reminds me of something of Ghandi's I read this summer. It went along the lines of "the removal of a desire is just not the absence of the physical object but the mental desire." China feels like a test of my ability not to give into a culture of consumerism that is ever so present in China and which I know also waits me in the U.S. And I've failed so badly at the moment. Honestly though, I think why I'm making such a big deal out of all of this is that I'm afraid that I'll fail when it comes to limiting my desire for things much larger and intangible than a sweater. . .
I want to live a simple life, but what if my desire to do so is only because I am limited to a simple life. What if I have the opportunity to have more? I always fear that I won't rise to the occasion or when face with conflict I might crumble. It's true that I probably over-think these kinds of things way too much, but despite this fear what I've also come to realize is that when I'm doing what I know I'm suppose to be doing with my life this internal conflict that keeps on raging inside of me feels more at rest. After this past summer and a miraculous epiphany I feel more sure of what my mission in life is and most of all more sure of myself. So rages on my internal conflict and bouts of diarrhea from the food in China but I think my heart and soul feels at peace.
1 comment:
I was derelict yesterday and them i realized I had no one to really tell about... so I miss mucho.
You are such an over-thinker but there's nothing wrong with that. I definitely don't think you should limit yourself, if presented with the opportunity to have more ( as long as you don't sacrifice your soul/dreams e.t.c.)
Think about peeps like Oprah or Angelina jolie. They prolly buy lots of expensive and unnecessary things for themselves but look at how much things they do to help others because of their money and influence. Like Oprah donated like 54 million this year alone, to her it's prolly not much but that much money going out to help different organizations. Besides we can't all be perfect (like ghandi or bhudda) so buy yourself a few things.
I miss your ass. My chem TA is hot and from Australia. peace from the west.
Post a Comment